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June 1, 2018

My Excitement & Fears of Motherhood

It’s getting so incredibly close to go time iA (God willing), and in light of Mother’s Day, I wanted to share the thoughts that plague my mommy-to-be-mind every – single – day.

Fears:

  • Will I lose my sense of self? I feel as though I’m having some sort of epiphany; I’ve been on an incredible journey through pregnancy which in some ways included a sense of grieving for my previous life…the lighthearted, untroubled life of a woman who enjoys her career, the road and adventures that life throws her way. What’s to become of her when baby arrives? Sure, I’ll shift all the parts of my life around to make room for her, my priorities will change, but a mother is not all that I’ll be. I guess a part of me will rediscover who I am as a human being – beyond being a mom.
  • Will people judge the way I mother? I’d be a fool if I told you people won’t judge, of course they will. What’s ridiculous is assuming that I’m supposed to be some sort of pro at this motherhood thing right off the bat, despite never having been through it before. I know motherhood is going to bring about the single biggest learning curve I’ll have ever witnessed, but one thing I know is I’ll never be afraid to ask questions.
  • Loneliness in the new fog of motherhood. Longing for sleep, a shower, maybe a latte and some chit chat with my people.
  • Will H and I be able to communicate and parent through as one? I don’t doubt our stability, we understand each other better than ourselves at times, but throw a new being in the mixture and things can get very different very quickly. But I know we’ll find our groove, just as we did throughout our first year of marriage. Our marriage will be supernaturally strengthened with all of the sleepless nights and blowout diapers, right?!

And then there’s the excitement that kicks most of this fear away. I can’t wait to snuggle, cuddle, smooch and get to know the gift that God has given us.

Excitement:

  • To experience love beyond measure. I can’t even begin to fathom the feeling, but I’m so honored already.
  • I can’t wait to show her the world, just as my parents did with me. Together, we will chip away at visiting all the corners of the world, making new memories through all the seeds of our wanderlust.
  • Rising to any occasion. I’m excited to know joy, even while experiencing the hardest trials and tribulations of life. To find myself pushing to new heights and limits that I probably never thought I’d be capable of.
  • Having a purpose other than myself. Sure the thought of caring for an entirely new human is overwhelming, but it already feels oddly rewarding to have a new sense of being. I just want to do whatever possible and in my control to try to make this world a better place for our baby.

Ultimately, the conclusion I’ve come to is that motherhood will be about learning to cope with the ambivalence of being a parent in whatever way and whatever manner works best for you. I know without a doubt some of you will understand exactly what I’m going through, what emotions did you experience toward the end of your pregnancies and how did you feel once your baby was born? Tell me in the comments below!

Prayer request: Right now, I’m feeling anxious, excited, nervous, scared, and everything in between. All to be expected before labor, right? If you’d like to keep me and baby Khan in your prayers, please pray that our labor/delivery is smooth, with minimal discomfort, zero complications, and that she is as healthy as can be. Thank you so much!